(Dedicated to all Overseas Filipinos especially to A. ‘Dang’ Montemayor)   
 
After a straight of almost four years since my last vacation to Philippines, I am again finally bound to be home.  To be with my siblings and their respective beloved families once again.    And since I am single, and right after my parents passed away, they became the center of my life.  Perhaps, I should repeat:  “The center of my life!”

But now, as I reached home, and as I stare at it all, I cannot stop myself to ask and wonder why almost everything seems different.  It’s seems to me that Father Time flies really so fast; that I am quite late to catch in my hand (in time) the fading and escaping moments. I am sincerely and honestly asking myself why hadn’t the world stood still in this place while I was not around.  Nothing seems the same except the ‘family pictures of memories’ that are meticulously and tightly hanged on the wall.  I cannot even believe that Mom and Dad were all gone. All long gone during the period of my ‘OFW Journey’ that took place fifteen years ago. Even my family members and friends were changed as I don’t share with them the same intensity of intimacy and compassion.  Perhaps, it’s because they are all too occupied with their ‘parental vocation’ and professional career, the way I am busy with mine.  Candidly, I feel they just don’t know how to treat me for who I am, their sister, for that matter.  But one thing I am so sure, it is not the other way around.    

 
I returned back to Saudi Arabia after two months of vacation.  Still feeling the longing for that piece and spirit of ‘family belongingness’.  Still having this dizzy feeling of emptiness that has totally engulfed me and, still chasing me, after such a lonely, ‘enjoy-it-alone’ vacation.  And I should admit that, although I am not feeling bitter, albeit, I feel unhappy.  
 
Now, I am really thinking.  Racking my brains!  And as I sit in my smoke-free home-pad in Olaya, Riyadh looking at our old family pictures and souvenirs, I cannot stop myself to wonder what had indeed happened.  Surrounded by lingering questions, that by now, I personally have a ready, concrete answer.  That in essence and in truth, I cannot change and expect that every single moment I had left behind at home (with my family, society and friends) will stay the same, let alone with their set of priorities and tune of heart.  That in essence and in truth, I have to find peace, happiness and comfort in what has changed.  That although I should keep and cherish all their memories alive and carry all the happy moments we have shared since time immemorial, albeit, at one end, I need to move on! 
 
For sure, sooner rather than later, perhaps, seven months from now, I will be packing my things again.  Another vacation bound to Philippines. But certainly, by then, I will be coming home with a ‘ready heart’ — accepting all the changes not only with the people I love and care, but most of all, accepting all the possible changes in me.  As I said, it’s time to accept everything as it is, as they are, most of all, start to move on.  And this time around, I really mean it. -  (J. Nava Cruz, an OFW, is a freelance writer/artist/documentarist and a published book author in the Philippines.   E-mail at bashamel007@yahoo.com)

 

 

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